That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Oops I deleted….
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Fights fire with marshmallows
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes