I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Taliband
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!