Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.