I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Pot warmers of the day.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My neck, my back, my…
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time