[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You Might Also Like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.