It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You Might Also Like
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
s
oc
i
a
l
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available