If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
These 3D printers are insane!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.