6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
鈥淐ount on it.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Your honor I didn鈥檛 teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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“Damn it.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.