Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
🤣could you imagine
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
2022 be like
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
For those that worship cheese..
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”