massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Coffee for people with no kids
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.