“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I bet
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.