Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.