coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.