This made me chuckle.
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself