When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast