I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.