I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it