“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
You have been warned.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet