If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home