one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning