it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
This why you should mind your business
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes