The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.