I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.