*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
you have three unread messages
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
lol
Ah yes. The three genders
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?