What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Autocorrect completely socks
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof