Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
plums roundup
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”