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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.