Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings