Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
You Might Also Like
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
This is the best one I’ve seen
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator