How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?