Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Bloody internet 😳
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir