[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
tell em, edith-anne
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Finally, an explanation.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.