People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
You Might Also Like
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead