the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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the icebreaker
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
23. the denim jacket
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???