My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
#DesignFail
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one