I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
IKEA is fine if you don鈥檛 mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I鈥檓 surprised I have any cat left at all.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
i鈥檓 stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain鈥檛 distracted.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You鈥檙e holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
HIM: promise you won鈥檛 tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret鈥檚 safe with me 馃檪
Become ungovernable.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up