Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle