Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My neck my back my allergy attack
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
goldfish mafia
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.