I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Nice try, poison.
Brilliant!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before