stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber