A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends