developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War