How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.