Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave