If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
No regrets in 2018
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Birds & Planes.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite