Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“Wait, let me explain..”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Attacked by a mop.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.