If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky