Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”