There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels