at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.